Lost

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah…

Nice day, good breath. Still, deep in my heart, everything is not right. What is not right? I am thinking of something…something that is not exist at all. Never exist. I lost a thing that I never have. Badly, I don’t know what I had lost.

I am lost. Lost in what? Lost in my journey, I think so. I know I’m not in a good condition. But still I have a lot of faith for Allah. Allah is everything to me, yet….why I feel lost? Is there something that I can’t understand? Something that is not relate to me, but it is relate to me, isn’t it?

Yup! I had lost something. Something that I don’t know…

Last Friday I am going to work. Bird, rain, vehicles, papers, pens, pencils and peoples around me. I still feel lonely. Not lonely at all, but deep inside my heart, I could tell myself that something is missing. I had missed that thing on Friday, I think so. The thing had been lost in Friday, but, what it is? Can’t figure it out, right? And that thing is nagging in my head….

Watched Transformers on Saturday night. Hell…the movie is damn good. Spontaneous, love (I like the word…yet I like the meaning…I like to be loved….but I don’t like modern love…I think prince charming and happily ever after is modern love…), and the effect of the robot – autobots actually ( still the memory of my 4 autobots – from Form 1 until Form 5 – can imagine something better than to see a girl wear baju kurung with her 4 autobots and doing her Add Maths…) – turn into vehicles. I like Bumblebee, more than Optimus Prime. But then, I like all the ‘heroes’. I always dream if I can create a robot that can turn into Lotus Elise….I think so…..just a dream of a dreamer. Never bother about it, never make it serious….never think to realize it….just a fantasy of a small girl…at that moment..a forgotten memory…

Teached a student on Sunday (sun-day – why I have to hate the sun-day…it is better Sunday rather than sun-day), fetched my younger sister and going back to my hometown. What a concidence….I am back! After 3 months….and the feeling inside me…hmmmh…. me also…I also can’t interprete what I am thinking…..I just feel not comfortable…I can’t sit properly, can’t sleep properly, can’t eat properly…. I feel something inside me that I can’t mention to anyone…..why I have this feeling? Why I am not feel comfort at all?

Read a book on Monday. About other religions, Zionis, Jesus, Maria Magdalena…hell, what I am doing here just sitting and reading a book without doing anything to change ‘ours’? I feel tense in my nerve, I want to yell but it was blocked in my heart. I want to tell the world…to tell the Muslims…we must be very-very careful. Can you all the Muslims hear what I’m babbling about? I hope so…I hope all of you can analyse something better…something that can create another something…based from Al-Quran and sunnah…insyaAllah…I think, this is the thing that I had lost….I lost the ‘time’…

Went back to KL on Tuesday. Went to Cyberjaya. Doing something important on Wednesday (thanks to a good friend that had cherished my day…thank you..). Went back to Cyberjaya in the evening. Feel uncomfortable again…what had happen to me actually? I don’t know….

Nice air, good breath. I hope it will always there. Hope. Faith. Sincerity. Love. InsyaAllah.

* Manusia sering melampaui batas. Sesekali diterpa ujian sebuah kehilangan yang kosong, barulah dia mengerti. Ujian itu datang tanpa diduga, menjenguk seketika rasa bahagia kerana masih diingati Dia. Masih diingatkan oleh Dia. Alhamdulillah.